


Chickens

by kaitywithay



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 19:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4449692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaitywithay/pseuds/kaitywithay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Stark children pull a prank on Theon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chickens

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Texts From Westeros posts that stick-them-with-the-pointy-end does on Tumblr.

There was a chicken on his bed.

It was the last thing Theon Greyjoy expected to find on his bed. A chicken. Not even a fake one, but a real live, breathing chicken. Theon blinked at the chicken and the chicken blinked back at him.

Before he knew it, he was getting into a staring contest with the damn chicken. Theon hoped nobody would walk up the steps and find him in this position.

All he had wanted to do when the girl he been on a date with dropped him off, was whip out his phone and text a different girl about having a fun night, and collapse on his bed.

But no, there was a damn chicken on his bed, looking extremely comfortable.

Theon stood there with his phone in his hand, staring at the damn chicken, trying to figure out why it was there in the first place. Then a thought hit him full force.

_Snow._

That was the only explanation.

It was no secret that Jon and Theon were not exactly friendly. That the two were probably rip each other’s throats out if it was legal. Theon wouldn’t put it past Jon and his fucked up friends to put a chicken on his bed to teach him about animal advocacy or some other thing they believed in.

Or Jon did it because he was an asshole.

Theon looks away from the chicken and down at his phone. He scrolls until he finds Jon’s number and sends him a text, demanding to know why he put a chicken on Theon’s bed.

Theon looks back at the chicken. “Get off.”

The chicken doesn’t move. It just continues to stare at Theon like Theon barged into its room and disrupted the damn chicken’s life, instead of the other way around.

Theon’s phone goes off and he looks down to see that Jon denies anything about the chicken, and Theon fires back letting him know that he knows it was him. Theon moves closer to his bed and the chicken.

“Are you dumb? I said get off.”

The chicken just continues to look at him and adjusts its position. Theon will not admit that he is afraid of the chicken, he is Theon Greyjoy he is not scared of anything, but he’s not exactly willing to pick it up and move it himself.

“Look you dumb chicken. This is my bed. And I command you to get off it.”

The chicken gives Theon a look that would be the human equivalent of “Yeah, right asshole.” All that does is further Theon’s chicken range even more.

“Get off the bed you feathered asshole!”

Theon’s phone goes off a second time and he sees that Jon has pointed out that they don’t even live in the same house, so how could he possibly put a chicken on his bed? Theon cannot form a response to that, so he goes back to the chicken.

“You have five seconds to get off this bed before I deep fry you and eat you for dinner!”

“Uhh, Theon?”

Theon turns and almost blushes, Greyjoys do not blush, when he sees Robb and Sansa standing there, staring at him wide-eyed.

Like it was abnormal to be screaming at a chicken who had taken over your bed.

“You’re fucked up brother put a chicken on my bed and it won’t get off.”

Neither Stark questioned which brother he was accusing, both knew that Theon would only blame Jon. Theon always somehow managed to blame Jon when something went wrong in his life.

Robb clears his thorat. “Why would Jon put a chicken on your bed? That’s not like Jon…”

“I don’t know why he did it, I just know that he did it and it won’t move.”

Robb stares at the chicken, a look of concern crossing his face. “So move it.”

Theon glares at Robb, his anger only getting deeper at his friend not understanding why this was a problem.

“There is a chicken on my bed, your brother put it there. I’m not a farmer, I’m not touching it.”

At that, Sansa starts to laugh. Both Robb and Theon look at her, wondering why she finds this funny, because they both know that she’s surely not going to touch it.

“Jon didn’t put the chicken on your bed, Theon. I did. You told me you were chick magnet.”

Theon glares and decides then and there that he has a new Stark child to loathe.

* * *

 

There was another goddamn chicken in his car.

Theon stares at it through the window. He should have known better than to leave it unlocked over night, but the Starks lived in a good neighborhood, so he shouldn’t have to have too.

Not only is the chicken nestled in the front seat, it’s buckled up and looks like it’s ready to go.

Theon wonders what it is about chickens that make them so complacent. It crosses his mind that he could once again, move said chicken out of his car, but again, Theon does not want to touch it.

Theon climbs into the driver’s seat and glares at the chicken before starting the car.

“If you try anything, I’ll have Lady Stark cut you up and make soup out of you.”

Theon spends the afternoon driving around with a chicken next to him. It doesn’t become an issue until he’s at the gas station and Jeyne Poole climbs out of her car at the pump behind his.

Theon had been trying for months to get Jeyne Poole to give him her number. He didn’t care that she was one of Sansa’s closet friends or that she doesn’t even glance at him when she’s at the Stark household. But she was hot and Theon wanted her number, so he could say tell her things that he would never dare say out loud for fear of Ned Stark hearing.

Theon waves and vows to get her number this time.

Jeyne smiles and walks over. “Hey Theon.”

“Hey Jeyne. Lovely day.”

Jeyne nods and Theon smirks getting ready to turn on the Greyjoy charm.

“So, Jeyne…”

“Do you have a chicken in your car?”

Theon sees Jeyne looking in through the open driver’s window to the chicken just chilling in the front seat. Almost as if it heard her, it turns its head and looks at Jeyne.

“Yeah…”

“Why? Chickens should be running free, not locked up in a car. Seriously Theon, if you want a pet, go get a dog. The Starks have five, I’m sure Ned will let you take at least one.”

With that statement, Jeyne turns and leaves. Theon groans, pays for his gas and then climbs into the car and glares at the chicken.

“You are a horrible wing man.”

When Theon pulls into the driveway, Bran and Rickon are playing catch. Theon climbs out of his car and slams the door, alerting the attention of the two baby Starks.

“You’re home!” Theon isn’t used to Bran being excited about him, but he smiles. “Yea….”

“Not you. Sir Clucks. I didn’t know you were going to take all day.”

Theon blinks. “You put the chicken in my car?”

Bran looks at Theon like he just grew tentacles.

“Sansa said you needed some company today and that you really love chickens.”

Theon glares as Bran takes Sir Clucks out of the car.

* * *

 

Of all places to put a chicken, a shower is a new one.

Theon just really needs a shower, he just really needs to be alone. It had been a long day at work and he got shot down by a girl again. He just wanted a nice, long, hot shower.

But when he opens the door, there’s a chicken.

This time, it takes him by surprise, Theon yelps, jumps back and knocks Sansa’s and Arya’s shampoos off the counter behind him. The chicken continues to walk back and forth, acting like he didn’t just disrupt Theon’s heart rhythm.

Theon breathes heavily out of his nose and glares at the chicken.

It doesn’t even glace at Theon.

He throws down his towel and sighs. The damn chicken just continues walking and Theon wonders what will happen if he turns on the water spray. He doesn’t know a lot about chickens, but he knows that they are not water birds.

But technically the water would be spraying on the bird and chickens didn’t mind rain, right?

Theon was wary about moving chickens that stayed in one place, he could only imagine what would happen if he tried to move one that was walking. Weren’t chickens like the third most vicious bird?

He vaguely wonders where all of these chickens are coming from and how they are staying hidden from Ned and Catelyn. Those two know when anything their children aren’t supposed to have enters the house.

Theon looks at the chicken and decides to take a different approach to get rid of this one.

“Uhm. I’d like to take a shower. Will you please leave?”

The chicken continues to pay Theon no mind, but continues to walk back and forth. Theon takes a deep breath.

“Please? I’ve had a long day and really like to take a shower? I’ll clean up when I’m done so you can come back.”

The chicken stops and looks at Theon and Theon swears it smirks at him before going back to walking back and forth.

Theon closes his eyes and counts to ten.

When he opens them, the chicken is still walking back and forth.

“I bet you’d taste real good with barbeque sauce.”

“Theon! Don’t threaten him.”

Theon turns to see the youngest Stark standing the doorway. Rickon looks like he did the time Theon told him that Santa wasn’t real.

“I…uh…what’s he doing in the shower?!”

“That’s where he goes to exercise.”

Rickon walks past the older boy and simply picks the chicken up like it’s no big deal. Theon watches and glares.

“I asked him politely to move and get out of the way.”

Rickon looks at Theon like he’d never seen him before. “He’s a chicken, Theon. They don’t understand manners.”

Theon swears that if Ned and Catelyn wouldn’t throw his sorry skinny ass out, he’d murder every Stark child that is not his best friend.

* * *

 

For the first time in living memory, Theon is grateful to get out of the Stark household and go to work.

He can’t take much more of Sansa finding a way to work eggs into every meal she cooks for him, or Bran’s countless chicken puns. Rickon even managed to find a show about chickens on the nature network.

Theon walks into work, whistling 

Here, there would be no chickens and he would be happy. He’s 100% positive that Robb’s younger siblings are trying to drive him insane. He nods hello to his boss and goes to the back. He greets the other guys who work with him and walks over to his locker.

He opens it and finds a chicken.

This chicken is not only on the bottom of his locker, but it has its own nest. It stares up at Theon like he just walked in on it doing something private.

Theon cannot believe his luck. He thought for sure that work was safe, that no chickens would plaque him here. He hangs up his backpack and continues to stare at the damn chicken.

There’s no way that the guys at work knew about the other chickens, the Starks didn’t even know them.

Theon glares at it, and this one has the stink of Arya all over it. Only Arya would find a way to not only get on his works premises, but break into his locker and plant a chicken there. And only Arya would make it a nest, so Theon would have more to clean up when he finally moved the chicken out of the way.

“Greyjoy! What’s the hold up?”

Theon sighs, and calls back some vague answer about how he’ll be there in a few minutes. He’s 100% sure that it would be animal abuse to leave the chicken in the locker with no food or water for eight hours.

Theon’s not even sure what chickens eat, so he has no idea what food from his lunch to leave it.

He glares at it, vowing to eat as much chicken products he can get his hands on.

“I enjoy eating your babies, you know.”

He swears the chicken hisses in response.

“Look, you don’t have to go home, but you cannot stay here. Leave.”

The chicken looks at him and doesn’t even budge.

“Greyjoy! Get your ass on the floor now!”

Theon slams the door shut and damns the chicken to hell before getting to work.

On his ten minute break, he checks on the chicken. It’s still there and looks like it didn’t care that he left it alone. He glares at again.

“You have until my lunch to vacate my locker, you stupid animal.”

At his lunch, Theon hopes the chicken magically found its way out of his locker. But when he opens the door, the damn chicken is still there.

Theon slams the door shut, kicks it and then leans against it.

“Hey Theon.”

Theon almost sighs with relief when he sees Robb walking towards him. Hopefully Robb could wrangle in his wild little sister, long enough to get the damn chicken out of his locker.

“How’s your shift?”

Theon nods. “Good. Listen…”

“How’s Shelly?”

Theon looks at Robb like he just asked how the weather down in Florida was. “Sh…elly?”

“Yeah, the chicken? She likes dark places, so I thought your locker would perfect.” Robb says this all with a perfectly straight face.

Theon contemplates whether it’s too late to get a new best friend.

* * *

 

There wasn’t just one chicken in his bedroom, there were many.

They were all over his bed, desk, and dresser. They were in his closet and on the floor, some were pecking at his movies on their shelves.

“I am going to sell you all to KFC!”

Theon couldn’t fathom how one chicken could get into his room, let alone what seemed liked hundreds.

He glares at all of the chickens and swears he will find an apartment and move out of this chicken crazed house.

One of the chickens walks in front of Theon, and then stops and looks at him. Theon looks at the wretched bird and that’s when it shits on his foot.

Theon reminds himself that if he gets arrested for animal cruelty, no one would let him pet the dogs anymore and refrains from kicking it.

He always knew the Stark children to have an odd senses of humor, but this takes the cake, it really does.

How and where they got all the chickens is beyond him.

Theon grimaces as one of the foul animals rips his pillow open, spreading feathers all over the bed.

He whips his phone and out and is googling the number for animal control when he hears footsteps behind him.

“Pretty neat, huh?”

He turns to see Arya standing there, looking smug. Theon grumbles in the back of this throat and swears that Catelyn won’t hurt him, because really, Arya is a nuisance.

“Get.them.out.”

“Nah, they should stay a while. I think they like you.”

“Arya, get them out of my room.”

Arya narrows her eyes and places her hands on her hips. “You don’t get to tell me what to do, Theon. This is my father’s room and he told me to find a place for the chickens I ordered until he builds a coop.”

“Why on earth would you order chickens?”

Arya doesn’t answer but bends down to pet one of them. She stands back up and looks at Theon with a smirk on her face. Theon sighs and tells himself to calm down, that he cannot hurt a little girl.

“Why would you put them in my room?”

“Because you, Greyjoy, are a chicken shit.”


End file.
